Liz remains in sparkling form. We still chat to each other a couple of times a week.
I keep her informed about my friends here, she is particularly interested in ILTV,
who is one of her neighbours, and often asks about Rog, although she doesn’t get
his jokes. She still chuckles about Tom telling her to stick it up her arse when
offered a CBE for services to sloth.
This week she is pleased to have attracted the attention of the Torygraph “I was
beginning to despair – almost on the verge of texting a nude picture to Chris Evans
to see if that would rustle up interest.” “You’re in there nearly every bleeding
day,” I retorted, “and it’s not as if anyone gives a stuff about you inviting the
Azerbaijjani ambassador to lunch”. “Don’t remind me of that!” she almost shrieks,
“I have repeatedly told Philip that no-one wants to see his trick with shrimps or
his Gracie Fields impression”.
We got back to the latest news story.
“Of course it isn’t the first time it’s happened”, she confided, “We get so bored
with sitting in that car waving at the proles – seen one you’ve seen them all. I
sometimes get it to break down by sticking chewing gum in the ignition. When we had
that other driver – Clarkson or some such name – he used to pretend to have the car
break down, and I could rely on his discretion, but now we have to do it ourselves.
It was Philip’s idea – he had always wanted to be in a police car with the sirens
wailing. I was a little more nimble than him, and used to be the first out to yell
“you’re fucking nicked, you slaaaag” when we saw any criminal activity. Of course,
I can only do it now when he isn’t there – he has no sense of proportion. That time
that he caused an old lady to wet herself when he yelled out on the tannoy “On the
floor now, motherfucker!” when he saw her crossing Aldwych on an orange light was
the last time. He doesn’t like it, so we had to arrange for him to take part in interviews
at the Yard as an alternative – can’t let him loose on the public of course, but
there are, thankfully, lots of resting actors willing to take part for £50 and a
copy of princess Marina’s autobiography. I sometimes worry that he might recognise
the actors, but then remember that he doesn’t remember what fucking day it is most
of the time.”
“Did you like that bit where I said ‘What a fantastic gift’ and they reported that
‘there was a big smile on her face’? Of course there was a bloody smile - who could
keep a straight face in that situation? What in the name of buggery am I going to
do with that? It’s not as if Charles is the sodding king and needs to be reminded
of where he is – the poor boy has shown signs of creeping senility ever since he
was twelve. We’ve already had to turn Anne’s room into a bloody storage facility
with all this crap that people keep giving me. I haven’t told her, and can’t keep
count of all of the excuses I’ve had to make when she says she would like to come
and stay for a couple of days. I never liked her being here much anyway – takes weeks
to get rid of the smell of horse manure after she’s been.”
“And as for telling them that I knew how busy the tube was, well, I nearly ruptured
my liver keeping a straight face. I haven’t been on it for over sixty poxy years,
and when I did there were only three other people on the train (and two of them got
off when Margaret offered to show them her knickers) – I don’t know where I get these
We all know you are researching your family tree in the hope that you can prove you
are descended from the illegitimate son of James II, and are the rightful heir to
Thursday, February 25, 2010 11:46:00 AM
Mrs Saxe Coburg is incorrect - I would watch The Greek's Gracie Fields impression.
It would make a particularly entertaining final request.
Thursday, February 25, 2010 2:07:00 PM
I, Like The View said...
she told me she was just relieved it wasn't her Toyota
Friday, February 26, 2010 8:31:00 AM
James II? H'm. I understand he was said to be 'the most unguarded ogler of all time'.
Does this trait persist in his progeny?
(This comment has already appeared at Z's place by mistake. Apologies all round.)
Friday, February 26, 2010 1:51:00 PM
These need to be organised into a proper book and published the week Charles becomes
King or Sarah Palin gets Raptured..which ever occurs first.
How delightful that you toy with us so Mr Scurra. Surely you know, that we know,
that Lizzie was a fine mechanic during WW2.
I always suspected that ILTV was posh and hobnobbed with the "Germans" and their