I have declined the opportunity to be involved in the campaign to elect Zara Phillips
as “Sports Personality of the Year”. This despite her all round prowess, which would
be worthy of the most accomplished pentathlete.
In addition to her well known equestrian activities, and her slightly less reported
involvement in Thai Boxing, discus throwing and trampolining, she has shown the sort
of all round talent that characterises the entire family.
It is her plan to represent Scotland as a lock forward at Rugby that causes both
her mother and me the most concern. “I hardly think it is appropriate for her to
be seen packed tightly in a formation of muscular men, grabbing the testicles of
the chap in front”, Anne complains, somewhat snootily. “Rubbish, lovey”, I retort,
“your grandmother was famous for it.” It is true – Clarence House was the only royal
household to have a permanent hernia surgeon on the staff, and if she was having
one of her ‘off days’ you could wait for fucking ages at the front door, while either
a fit footman dodged her, or one of those with whom she had tampered, limped painfully
along the corridors.
My view is more for the safety of the other players. I was at the recent game with
the royal party, when in the line out, Zara jumped for the ball, and the momentum
caused her more than generous breasts to swing wildly and concuss a Saracen’s player,
(giving new meaning to “loose-head prop”). Anne herself is known as “Iron Tits” in
the family circle. More than one person has been caught out when standing behind
her, and not anticipating her suddenly swinging round. It is in this lack of fairness
that my objections to her activities in this area are based.
Camilla, of course, had to have her say. “I was captain of tiddlywinks of my house
at school,” she enthused, “perhaps I could be on the programme as well.” “Fuck off,
Cams,” I told her, “John Motson will almost certainly be there, and remember how
pissed off you were, the last time you got mistaken for him? Even though he was much
better dressed than you. And we had best draw a veil over the incident when you took
part in the charity relay race, and tried to take the baton from Linford Christie.”
Simon Holledge said...
Vicus Obscurra indeed! I am still trying to work out who all these people are. Do
they live in NW, sorry NE Hampshire?
Tuesday, December 06, 2005 4:04:00 PM
Vicus Scurra said...
Simon, old fish, do try to take more interest in foreign affairs. You are in danger
of developing social myopia.
You will only have yourself to blame if you attain independence and have to spend
your time watching nothing but Sean Connery films on TV and listening to Lulu and