Dear Mrs. Palmer
I felt I must write immediately to express my distress at my receipt of your local election communication, which I found in my letter box last evening.
Upon reading it I felt very distressed, and my wife had to go and lie down. Should her condition be more than just mild nervous exhaustion, I shall be forced to consider litigation.
Over the years, Conservative literature has inspired scorn, ridicule, sometimes laughter and occasionally rage. In your missive, however, despite careful scrutiny, I can find nothing to which I object. Indeed, your whole campaign is centred on environmental issues, which I believe should be at the core of all political agenda.
I noted that you share your unusual forename with Ms. Walters, a local purveyor of successful works of fiction. Perhaps this publication is some sort of elaborate hoax, and you are just pulling my leg.
Alternatively, if you are indeed serious, I must ask you to supply me with some traditional Conservative policies suitable for disdain and complete rejection.
I feel that I owe a duty to consistency. The only Conservative canvasser to knock on my door since I have lived in this area was told that he would not get my vote, even if he held my grandmother hostage. In some futile correspondence with my local (Conservative) MP last year, I told him that my fondness for his principles was as warm as a polar bear’s buttocks. I am comfortable with this position, and will not give it up easily.
Do you not realise that your election pledges are guaranteed to offend the road haulage and construction industries? In my day, it was the duty of all patriotic Tories to apply lovingly their tongues to the jackboots of these cynical environmental vandals, in return for campaign funds. How can you cast away tradition so lightly?
I am not normally inclined towards nostalgia, but I do recall with some fondness the days in which the Conservative party was the repository of selfish prejudice, with deep loathing of public spending and government interference in the workings of industry; the Labour party had more than a toothless minority of people with principles and ideals; the Liberal party knew it’s place – it accepted that it was completely without significance and shut up apart from ten minutes of party political broadcast every five years. I urge you to do your best to help us to return to a situation in which we knew where we stood.
Should I fail to receive the manifesto of a candidate with even more sensible policies, I will abstain from voting at the coming election, and not begrudge you any consequent success.
You say in your communication that at one election you lost by just one vote.
To get my vote, all you have to do is to promise to introduce the practice of replacing the effigy of Guy Fawkes at community bonfires on November the 5th with that of Mrs. Thatcher (assuming the lady is not available for personal appearances).
If you campaign for the withdrawal of all government and EEC subsidies for all farmers who do not convert to 100% organic methods of agriculture within 5 years, I will do my best to persuade my wife to vote for you as well, provided that the sickness I mentioned earlier does not prove to be incapacitating.
If you campaign to have Lord Tebbit sectioned under the Mental Health Act, I will display one of your posters in my window.
love and peace