My postings to the Kingsley Web log.
These are posted in reverse chronological order so that anyone coming back for more does not have to read the same old crap all over again.
The context is in this colour, my response in this colour
13 November 2003
This follows the comments by Mr Blunkett referred to in the first paragraph. (Note for American readers: David Blunkett is the British Home Secretary, a senior position in government, with responsibility for overseeing all domestic policy. Mr Blunkett is blind. The other minority group that he represents is the stupid. Note for American readers: Britain is a group of islands in the North Atlantic, wholly owned by the USA)
I am obliged to the commentator on BBC Radio 5 this morning, who explained Mr Blunkett's recent utterances on immigration quotas by saying "He says it as he sees it".
Before being accused of being a Daily Mail reading xenophobe, I have to declare my interest and say that I see myself as a human being (those who know me might take issue with that), rather than English, British or European. As a citizen of the world, I am concerned by immigration, and would like to restrict alien colonisation of this planet. The recent influx of megamorons from the planet Twat who were responsible for the election of that belligerent cretin George Bush is a case in point.
Speaking of George Bush and unwelcome foreign visitors, may I be the first to extend a warm and sincere welcome to him. I would suggest that the current security budget (at least £5,000,000) seems a little excessive. May I suggest that suitable protection for him would be the same as that possessed by a typical Iraqi family.
29 June 2003
I notice that the list of referrers as at 15:32 on Sunday 29th June is headed by someone who searched Google for:
Bride in underwear photo
Strangely, the search does result in a find for our beloved blog, because the submitter omitted the quotes around his/her search string.
Using words randomly plucked from the blog I entered the phrase:
Farting dome equipment
and the blog came top of the list.
Perhaps this teaches us to be circumspect. In order to avoid the attention of the legions of perverts who surf the internet, perhaps we should avoid the following words in our posts:
moist. rubber. marmite. engorged. raspberry yoghourt. thrust. emus. pendulous. Sir Leon Brittan.
SKWIRRIL. Family values for families of value.
29 June 2003
Kingsley is host to a vintage steam rally
It may appear bizarre to those visitors to this web log and to the village that no mention has been made of one of the most exciting and unusual events to have occurred in Kingsley in living memory.
I allude, of course, to the alien invasion that has taken place this weekend. I woke up on Saturday and immediately noticed that a field in Sickles Lane has been colonized by a strange race of beings, with strange vehicles, making strange noises, and whose appearance, strangely, to the untrained eye, resembled that of human beings.
It is no surprise that these welcome visitors should chose Kingsley as the point at which to make contact with the planet Earth. The village is rich in culture and tradition, and has a mean IQ in the mid 170s. The village pond is home to several creatures thought extinct since the Ice Age and the Oakhanger Angling Club. There is the famous Saxon village hall, the archaeological dig opposite Bakers Nursery, the burial place of King Johann XII of Latvia and the initial excavations for the stadia to host the 2016 Olympics. I am sure that our visitors are as amused as we are at the distant view of the unsightly hill at East Worldham. Most importantly, Kingsley is the home of the erudite, charismatic and delectable Bob Stammers, who has rightly been called “The Pepys of the new Millenium”; who else would our visitors wish to have record the first days of their visit.
SKWIRRIL says let us offer our guests a sincere, if cautious visit. However, should anyone notice signs of any malign influence – villagers ranting in a deranged manner, for instance – please let me know.
18 June 2003
Kingsley in Bloom
Visitors to the village will notice the signs advertising gardens open this coming weekend.
Can we use the Kingsley Web Log to address its worldwide readership, and spread the word of this major cultural, horticultural and social event? Is it out of order to publicise the gardens open? Will there be a pictorial report on the Blog next week?
We have already missed out on two opportunities to emphasise Kingsley’s pre-eminence as a centre of world events: Liverpool being awarded the Centre of Culture, and the failure of Kingsley United to sign David Beckham.
Liverpool perhaps deserves recognition. I only recall visiting the city once, and that was to see Frank Zappa. To the best of my recollection Mr Zappa never performed in Kingsley (although the working title for “Weasels ripped my Flesh” was “The Sleaford Tribute Album”). Therefore we cannot be too disappointed.
I was looking forward to the Beckhams living on MOD land at Kingsley Common, their entourage of journalists thereby giving much needed target practice for the British Army.
Traditionally the highlight of the British horticultural calendar is the Chelsea flower show. This is blatant nonsense. Chelsea is the home of throwback, inbred bourgeoisie, and itinerant Italian footballers. To use it to host a flower show is akin to having a Luton fashion festival.
SKWIRRIL advocates the adoption of this charter to maintain standards for Kingsley gardens.
1) No Alan Titchmarsh, Charlie Dimmock or the Other One (I was going to call him the Landaner with the chainsaw, but that would be tautological. The only Landaner not to carry a chainsaw is the queen, who has hers carried by one of her detectives.)
2) No gushing tarts proclaiming everything to be “Absolutely fantastic!”
3) No decking or water features.
4) Just flowers and shrubs, the occasional tree, and the even more occasional glimpse of frilly underwear in pastel shades on a washing line.
15 June 2003
Linda's widowed father remarries
Bike Week, incl Bike2Work starts today
In London, Trooping the Colour
Joy's first lie in without nagging
Isle of Wight Rock Festival, Isle of Wight
I tried to include events in Belgium but couldn't find any.
errr - why ? zed
I guess because nothing ever happens in Belgium bs
LOADS happens. try looking on the net.or you could have at least tried giving the weather forecast. zed
Isle of Wight: Any rock festival with Bryan Adams is not a rock festival. A rock festival includes at least one of Grateful Dead, Jimi Hendrix, Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin, Hawkwind, Rolling Stones, Doors.
Nothing in Belgium, eh? what about this from the very article you link to.
"The stage, which was seen for the first time in the UK at last year's festival, has once again been brought over from Belgium especially for the performances. It takes over 500 man-hours to build using a 60 ton crane. "
Obviously Belgium has some sort of dedicated rest home for out of work stages. If that is not interesting, then I'll vote Tory.
I caught a glimpse of Trooping the Colour, and it occurred to me that it was fairly dull. It could be enlivened by the use of live ammunition and a moving target, bringing back memories of "Royal It's a Knockout", unless, like me, you didn't see it.
love and peace
PS & NB note that some parts of this posting are meant to be taken as mild satire. SKWIRRIL does NOT advocate the gunning down of the royal family in the Mall, even on the day that Roger Moore is knighted.
12 June 2003
Yesterday, Wednesday 11th June 2003, nothing of any particular importance happened in Kingsley!
I hope that I am not detecting a tendency toward the frivolous on this website. Tower mustard, Red Indians, Red Arrows indeed. I would remind residents that if we are serious in our bid to become European Centre of Culture, then it behoves us to affect a sober and sensible manner.
As for nothing of any particular importance, I suggest that "admin" (I can't stand people who hide behind aliases) trains his high powered telescope in the same direction as mine. I saw several world records being broken, none of them in categories thought suitable by the compilers of the admirable tome of Messrs Guinness.
10 June 2003
The Red Arrows flew over Kingsley. Someone wrote “Maybe the flypast wasn't aimed at Kingsley but the Jet garage in Whitehill?”
Given the track record of the armed forces of Britain and the United States, the "aimed at" in the previous comment is somewhat ironical. The buggers could have been aiming at Vladivostock or Cape Town.
It is well known that Kingsley is the home base of SKWIRRIL, the radical group of tree hugging commies who threaten the British way of life. Their WMD include sarcasm and double-entendre, and it is only a matter of time before the Leader of the Free World turns his bellicose attention to them.
In the meantime we can all rest comfortably in our beds knowing that we have the attention of the RAF.
Rest perhaps, but not sleep. It's bloody noisy in Kingsley.
What I would like to know is why the Red Arrows don't perform at night, like the synchronised Chinook Helicopter team that entertains us, particularly at this time of year. Perhaps they are fearful of collision. I say it would add to the excitement no end.
3 June 2003
Kingsley and Traffic - The Way Forward
Visit my website and see the solution to the problems of speeding, car parks and other stuff.
And while you are there, skip playfully through the other pages.
Benefit from my wisdom and perspicacity.
Sign my guest book, where the signatories include a famous author, a disturbed quasi-hippy and an antipodean pervert. Actually, they are the only people to sign the guest book. Can't understand it.
love and peace
29 May 2003
Metre - the distance light travels in one-299,792,458th of a second
Second - the time it takes for a cesium atom to vibrate 9,192,631,770 times
Either it is 9,192,631,768 times per second, or that bloke I met in "The Cricketers" sold me some dodgy cesium.
28 May 2003
In response to a posting on barking dogs, Cass wrote ‘" or during the summer months generally annoys residents who are trying to enjoy sitting out in their gardens."
Does the "generally" qualify "annoys" or "the summer months"? In other words, is this a specific annoyance which occurs roughly between May and September or is the annoyance itself sufficiently non-specific as to warrant the adverb "generally"? Perhaps a survey of victims is required in order to determine whether they are all annoyed in the same way and, if so, at the same time of year!’
Thank you Cass. That was refreshing.
Slightly less ambiguous is:
" think of others and try to discipline your dogs so that they don't upset other residents; if they're out in the garden and start to bark, either let them indoors or shout at them "
does the "if they're" refer to the dogs or other residents? I think we should be told. When confronted with a barking resident in my garden, I never let them indoors. There are too many barking residents in Kingsley, although not all of them quite in my league.
On the subject of generally, when asked "How are things generally?" I like to reply "Not so good since Gettysburg".
12 May 2003
In response to a posting by “Wildlife Expert”
"spring has finally donned its multi-coloured dress coat", please, in the words of Lord Byron, leave it out. In Kingsley, the first signs of spring are the multi-coloured crisp packets, gaily dancing from cat turd to dog turd, faintly visible through the haze of diesel fumes, that drift down the unsightly hill at East Worldham. The queues outside the garden centres, the village fetes, the sight of grown men wearing shorts all cause a longing for the long nights of winter when these hideous spectacles are obscured by fog and rain.
2 May 2003
In response to a posting about the district council election results
Those overcome by excitement in the recent political turmoil are advised by the Chief Medical Officer of SKWIRRIL to take the following steps to avoid stress, high blood pressure and any enthusiasm that would be out of keeping with that expected in the locality:
1) Focus on something mundane and calming - a photograph of Ian Duncan Smith is ideal (but make sure someone is at hand to revive you if you show signs of becoming comatose).
2) Avoid looking forward to exciting events - the Kingsley fete, and the next district elections for example.
3) Join the SKWIRRIL hatha yoga group practising their asanas the junction of Sickles Lane and the B3004 between 8 and 9 each morning.
1 May 2003
In answer to speculation about the names of our 2 district council candidates, Warwick Womack and Pelham Ravenscroft
While I was out last week, our local Conservative candidate, or his representative, turned up at my door and asked whether we would be voting Conservative. He can obviously look forward to a career as a doorstep jester in the unlikely event of his not being elected. I notice that both candidates have names that look like they were purloined from Dickens. I am not sure which book it was. Perhaps 'The Pickwhicheveryoulikeitdoesntmakeanybloodydifference Papers'. As a protest, SKWIRRIL has not put forward a candidate, an example of the political perspicacity that has made us the envy of popular action groups throughout the world.
15th April 2003
Extract from posting “ Christine Newens, a sheep-cheese maker from Alresford”
For the sake of clarity, for those readers whose first language is not English, I would like to point out that "Christine Newens" is a maker of sheep cheese, and not an ovine dairy worker. I may be wrong, and apologise in advance if that is the case. In order to avoid future confusion I suggest that she changes her name to something that does not contain the name for a female sheep.
15th April 2003
Bob Stammers asked whether the village sign and the jubilee tree were in the right place.
Bob Stammers is quite wrong. The village sign is in exactly the right place. It smacks somewhat of Bolshevism to imply that Hampshire’s noble sign planners and erectors could be capable of error. How much in debt to them we all are. I, for one, would be lost without the many helpful, informative and decorative signs that bedeck our highways.
It is actually the village that is in the wrong location. Those knowledgeable about feng shui will be aware that the energy flows are all wrong, and this explains the extraordinary level of civil discontent that pervades the area. Concerned inhabitants need to take action now, to rotate the village through 30 degrees, so that those travelling from Sleaford (although why anyone should want to leave Sleaford defeats me) will see the sign in all full glory, and marvel at the Andean Horned Yak motif that adorns it.
In order to rectify this dreadful problem, the Sleaford, Kingsley and Worldham Independent Residents for Rural Improvement League will, this Easter, be moving the village. SKWIRRIL, with its army of volunteers, will convene at 7.30 am on Good Friday at the Worldham end of the village, and using a carefully designed system of levers and pulleys, complete the relocation by lunchtime on the following Monday. Residents need not be alarmed, most will notice nothing, but those prone to motion sickness are advised by our panel of medical consultants to tune in to ITV, where the fare on offer will be significantly more vomit inducing than anything perpetrated by this project.
Residents of Churchfields may be a little disconcerted to find their property now in the middle of an MOD firing range; tough.
The major beneficiary will be the “Cricketers” public house, which will be known henceforth as “The Inn in the Pond”: naturalists and devotees of the late Jacques Cousteau will be irresistibly attracted.
Also to benefit will be the par 3 golf course. Having a major road through the middle will enforce more accuracy from players.
SKWIRRIL. Working for the community in the community.
Bob Stammers is quite right. The jubilee tree is in completely the wrong place. It should be moved to a position 25 30 yards to the left and in front of the goal, to left midfield, where Kingsley FC are notoriously weak. On behalf of SKWIRRIL, I demand that this change is made forthwith, or direct action will result.
Cynics may query the use of arboreal players. There are precedents. Listen to the commentary of Mr Trevor Brooking, and deny, if you can, that his maternal grandmother was a Silver Birch.
KINGSLEY FOR THE CUP.