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The Talke Pits Development Company
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A Guide to the Opening of Parliament
A lackey from the palace kitchens applies icing to the queen’s funny hat. At the end of the ceremony the queen, naked apart from a thin covering of spider webs, lies in a corridor of Buckingham palace, and members of the household lick the icing off. Anyone who succeeds in making her laugh gets to be court jester for the next year.
A troop of pantomime dames search the cellars of the parliament building for explosives.
Two particularly astute members of the royal household play “Guess where the queen is” on the way to the ceremony
“The sniffing of the royal fart”. On entering the parliament building, the queen breaks wind violently. She is allowed to guffaw at this, but should either of the two overweight jockeys seen here saluting each other, as much as titter, they are despatched by the trusty blade of Uncle Phil. Her majesty has perfected the art of SBD, but in case of an accidental loud passage of wind, guns are fired outside to obscure the sound.
The queen processes to the chamber of the house of lords. Young boys are paid 5 shillings to check under the rug for corgi shit.
The gentleman with the scorched hedgehog nailed to his back is called the “Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod”. He proceeds to the house of commons, where he poses the famous question “Have you heard the good news about our Lord Jesus Christ?”, whereupon someone slams the door in his face.
The queen gives instructions to her team of highly skilled santas who are despatched round the country to ask children what they would like for Christmas. Any children not answering correctly – i.e. “To listen to her majesty’s Christmas speech, and be thankful for living in such an enlightened democracy” – are sent to the Tower of London.
The queen reads out the menu for the Christmas party. This is a spoof menu, and traditionally includes such items as “arse of penguin” and “fricassee of elk snot”. No one is allowed to laugh, as the television broadcast is dubbed by some tart with a posh voice making up a lot of stuff that purports to be the policy of the government for the next year.
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GuidetoParliament