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The Talke Pits Development Company
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I have been asked by a young friend to contribute a “Guide to Teaching” section.

Alas I do not have any pictures to help with this exercise, my collection of “Naughty Norwegian Schoolgirls” was confiscated by my wife, and I suspect that they were not authentic anyway.

For a while I attended Alsager College of Education in Staffordshire. This fine establishment had a mission to take rejects from the academic world and transform them into mindless, child-hating pedagogues with sociopathic tendencies. (One former student was taken to court for sellotaping a child to chair. I was not at college long enough to attend that particular course, but it seems like a bit of a harmless jape to me). It was very successful. It weeded (geddit) out all of those partial to the inhalation of the smoke of exotic cheroots, and succoured the brain damaged, particularly those showing skills on the sports field. I did not survive.

My young friend was concerned with her work-load as a teacher, particularly in regard to the writing of end of term reports.  This subject was covered early at Alsager, and I can pass on a few examples of what might be written.

First, two real examples.

The late Arthur Marshall (a performer on TV panel shows some time ago) gave an example from a geography report “He does well to find his way home”.

An old friend Bob Weedon is proud of " A highly intelligent boy who uses all his intelligence to do as little work as possible."

Here are some of the comments I might have written had I achieved my ambition of graduating from college and joined this fine profession.

“Your son is a moron. I urge you both to desist from the practice of copulation, as the results so far from indulgence in this activity are threatening the progress of human civilisation”.

“I would urge you to curtail David’s engagement in masturbation. He will go blind. At least, if he continues to practice it with such abandon in my classroom he will go blind, because I will squeeze his eyeballs out of his nostrils”.

“I am not taken in by Emily’s cuteness. In my view, her lisp is an affectation that should be treated by the application of carpet tacks to her tongue.”

You see how easy, and what fun it can be? Unfortunately these comments are unlikely to be utilised as teachers have their imaginations confiscated before they are allowed to teach.

A Guide to Teaching
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