Another Official Site of
The Talke Pits Development Company
The Talke Pits Development Company
The web site of the witty, urbane and handsome Ken Phillips
A Guide to Sport
Top of Page
There are, of course, only three real sports.
Cricket. Maybe that should be 2 real sports. Cricket is a direct link to the divine. Anyone doubting this has obviously never seen a Tom Graveney cover drive. When the “Peoples Republic of Britain” is established, Cricket will be the state religion.
Rugby Union. Which one of us would not like to base our lives on Graham Rowntree or his contemporaries.
Soccer. Note that I am not bowing to the American convention of distinguishing soccer from American football, rather that Rugby Union is the real owner of the term “Football”. Soccer is not bad, but is a poor third behind the other two.
Other so-called Sports: What is wrong with them and how could they be improved.
Athletics
Athletics is a glorified name for running, jumping and throwing. Undertaken separately, you understand. It is very simple. The competitor with the best drugs wins.
To make it more interesting, the events should be combined. The fastest runners should take part in events such as “Catching the Javelin” or “Heading the Shott”. Ladies could “Dodge the Discus”. High jumpers should have to leap over moving targets such as the competitors in the hundred metres.
Swimming
Not a natural activity. Competitors are scantily clad, and it would therefore be expected that they would be the subject of keen perusal. However, the skills required for swimming are not compatible with having an attractive human body. Not even perverts enjoy watching swimming. Swimmers will eventually disappear, as their development is in the opposite direction to the rest of human evolution.
To make it interesting, marmalade could be used instead of water.
Golf
Utterly and totally without point, other than keep the unsavoury sections of human society (middle aged, Tory-voting, elitist, accountants) off of the streets.
It could be more interesting if a shot only counted if the player ran to the point where the ball came to rest quicker than the ball. Try that, Mr so called Tiger Woods: you are just a pedestrian who does not understand the correct way to hold a walking stick.
Tennis
Tedious. In Britain, it is the last game that is televised by the BBC, and therefore takes precedence over all other programs. Bloody Wimbledon.
I would like to see Wimbledon conducted with extra points awarded for hitting a member of the royal family, who would be required to tightrope walk across the top of the net during games.
Basketball
A silly game that consists almost exclusively of running from one end of the room to the other.
Should be played outside, with the hoops on either side of a motorway with a minimum of 6 lanes.
Cricket. Maybe that should be 2 real sports. Cricket is a direct link to the divine. Anyone doubting this has obviously never seen a Tom Graveney cover drive. When the “Peoples Republic of Britain” is established, Cricket will be the state religion.
Rugby Union. Which one of us would not like to base our lives on Graham Rowntree or his contemporaries.
Soccer. Note that I am not bowing to the American convention of distinguishing soccer from American football, rather that Rugby Union is the real owner of the term “Football”. Soccer is not bad, but is a poor third behind the other two.
Other so-called Sports: What is wrong with them and how could they be improved.
Athletics
Athletics is a glorified name for running, jumping and throwing. Undertaken separately, you understand. It is very simple. The competitor with the best drugs wins.
To make it more interesting, the events should be combined. The fastest runners should take part in events such as “Catching the Javelin” or “Heading the Shott”. Ladies could “Dodge the Discus”. High jumpers should have to leap over moving targets such as the competitors in the hundred metres.
Swimming
Not a natural activity. Competitors are scantily clad, and it would therefore be expected that they would be the subject of keen perusal. However, the skills required for swimming are not compatible with having an attractive human body. Not even perverts enjoy watching swimming. Swimmers will eventually disappear, as their development is in the opposite direction to the rest of human evolution.
To make it interesting, marmalade could be used instead of water.
Golf
Utterly and totally without point, other than keep the unsavoury sections of human society (middle aged, Tory-voting, elitist, accountants) off of the streets.
It could be more interesting if a shot only counted if the player ran to the point where the ball came to rest quicker than the ball. Try that, Mr so called Tiger Woods: you are just a pedestrian who does not understand the correct way to hold a walking stick.
Tennis
Tedious. In Britain, it is the last game that is televised by the BBC, and therefore takes precedence over all other programs. Bloody Wimbledon.
I would like to see Wimbledon conducted with extra points awarded for hitting a member of the royal family, who would be required to tightrope walk across the top of the net during games.
Basketball
A silly game that consists almost exclusively of running from one end of the room to the other.
Should be played outside, with the hoops on either side of a motorway with a minimum of 6 lanes.