Greg Dyke has resigned
It will come as no surprise to hear that I have been approached to become the new Director General of the BBC.
I have, of course, several other commitments to consider, but nevertheless, I am pleased to detail those changes that will be an essential feature of my dictatorship directorship.
· Angus Deayton will be reinstated as chairman of “Have I Got News For You”
· Phil Tufnell will never appear on any program on any channel
· “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue” will be on for a minimum of 44 weeks each year.
· There will be no programmes featuring impressionists.
· If it is really necessary to interview Tony Blair, each time he says “I say this to you”, or “Let me say this” or some such other fatuous abuse of the English language, he will be hit in the face with a custard pie.
· In the even more unlikely event that it is deemed necessary to interview Michael Howard, every time he uses a word ending in ‘L’ he will have his nipples tweaked very hard.
· If Jack Straw or David Blunkett are to be allowed on air, they will be obliged to begin each answer with “Thank you for asking that question. You are aware that I am a reactionary twat, so please use that knowledge to help you judge my response.”
· Should a Conservative politician be allowed on air (can’t imagine it, really) they will be required to prefix their statements with the phrase, “Of course I am a Tory, so no sensible person will pay any heed to my opinions.”
· There will be no interviews with sportsmen or sports managers after a match.
· There will be no interviews with sportsmen or sports managers before a match.
· There will be no interviews with sportsmen or sports managers during a match.
· Any journalist asking a question beginning with “How important is it ….” will be fined.
· Anyone using the phrases “to be honest” more than once a day, or “effectively”, ever, will be fined.
· Saturday night television will consist of a top quality comedy show and/or a drama and/or a film premiere and/or a film classic. There will be no “National Lottery” show, no stupid game shows or anything else that I don’t like.
· There will be a Goldie Hawn film on somewhere at least once a week.
· There will be a Goldie Hawn film in which she gets her kit off at a least once a fortnight.
· The Goldie Hawn film will be on television, not radio, you idiot.
· The BBC will acquire the rights to “NYPD Blue”, and show it at an hour when most of the population is able to see it.
· The only sports bias shown will be towards Leicester Tigers, and this bias will diminish if they continue to play like plonkers.
· Test Match Special will never be interrupted. Even if a bloody ship sinks. And certainly not for bloody “Yesterday in Parliament”.
· Radio Five will be available on FM, and will cease to intersperse its content with promotion of itself.
· Radio Three will be refocused. Any staff preferring Aaron Copland or Shostabloodykovich to Beethoven or Handel will be reassigned.
· There will be no mention of Christmas in the weeks leading up to Yuletide, and using the phrase “Christmas Special” will be a sackable offence.
· So will using the phrase “another chance to see”. There will be ample opportunities to have “another chance to see” things, for example “NYPD Blue” will be repeated somewhere on the network at least twice each week in case I forgot to record it, but it will be clearly designated as being a repeat.
· Sports broadcasts will focus on those activities that involve skilled, agile and athletic individuals competing. Activities such as darts and snooker will be reclassified from sports to “minority interests” and fitted into schedules if time allows. Of course cricket will be reclassified as either an art or religion, and given priority over virtually everything.