Dear Mrs. Palmer
Thank you so much for your card. Both Mrs. Phillips and myself are miraculously restored to good health, and you have only been in office for 10 days. Your obvious healing power bodes well for the future for the population and environment of East Hampshire.
Your card, however, was a bit of a give-away. My suspicions that you are not a true Conservative were vindicated by the humorous content. I do not know many Conservative voters even capable of laughter, and have never heard of a Tory politician with a sense of humour. “Vote Conservative – safe, dull and unfunny” was, I believe Mrs T.’s winning slogan, borne out by her cronies – Cecil Parkinson, John Nott, Leon Brittan and Jim Davidson.
Tempted though I was, I could not bring myself to vote for you, but I did abstain. I had colourless election communications from the Liberal Democrats, and nothing at all from the Labour party. This led to the formation of a strong bond between the Labour candidate and myself. We both fail to see any policies that distinguish his party from the others, and he has therefore adopted a policy of high-principled apathy. I wanted to write and thank him for not wasting my time with campaign literature, but eventually could not be bothered.
Imagine my excitement when the Haslemere Messenger arrived on my doormat on Wednesday, heralding your triumph. Not even stopping to read the life-enriching news of planning applications in Liss, I turned straight to the election results page.
Well done! Not wishing to detract from your performance in way, I did note that the winning Conversative candidate in Godalming, South East was named Maureen Nyazi. That, I would assert, is a name that leaves no doubt as to philosophical allegiance and policy.
I shall be monitoring closely your performance as a candidate elected on the environmental ticket.
Harping back to your splendid campaign leaflet, thank you for bringing the problem of sunken lanes in East Hampshire to my attention. I had no idea that our lanes were sinking, and you can rely upon me to monitor the situation. I will report evidence of any sinkage I discover to you in detail. You did well to capture on film a very dodgy character obviously involved in practices leading to lanes being sunk, and I will do my best to ensure that this criminal is brought to justice. I do not believe, however, that the sinking of fifty miles of lanes is the work of one person. It may be prejudice, but I think that they were sunk by Mrs Thatcher. Although, because of continental drift, the lanes were moving away from the Falkland Islands, they did present the danger of their being used strategically by the Argentine armed forces.
I delayed in writing to you again, in case you found a second letter too much of a good thing. “Does he have nothing better to do?” I hear you ask. “Fortunately not” would be my reply.
It would, of course, be irresponsible, immature and a waste of your valuable time to maintain a correspondence that is mainly derisory in nature. I shall be writing again next week.
love and peace