My friends at the Kingsley Web log have tried to deflect attention away from the
local area by repetitively reporting that the royal honeymoon is to take place in
I posted the following riposte:
“Mediawatch and his cohorts in the national press and worldwide television networks
may try to mislead you, but there is a very strong Kingsley connection. Honeymoon
at Birkhall be buggered. Astute visitors will have noticed a very strong rocking
motion from a large and expensive looking motorhome that was parked in the car park
at the Kingsley Centre this evening, surrounded by armoured vehicles.
And visitors to the weekly car boot sale at Country Market tomorrow might well be
lucky in picking up some spectacular bargains in the form of unwanted wedding presents.”
I can now reveal the reasons for my shock absence from today’s festivities. I have
been busy putting the finishing touches to the arrangements to accommodate the royal
couple in our prestigious settlement. Fortunately, coverage of the Test match did
not begin until three o’clock, and so the duties were not too arduous.
It is because we have managed to disguise the popularity of Kingsley among the world’s
royal families, that it is still so much in demand. The extensive boating lake, the
ancient monuments (the Saxon village hall) and the newly equipped playground make
it an irresistible draw to the more discerning visitor, for whom expense is no barrier.
Of course, Charles is a little nervous about being too far away from his trusted
friends, which is why I agreed to be on hand in case he gets anxious during the first
days of his new marital partnership. Frankly, I hope that he desists from knocking
on my door at seven in the morning with some trivial problem, but I am not over-optimistic.
I would urge you all to be respectful and stay away from the village for the next
few days. I know that this will be a disappointment, and many of you will be at a
loss to find alternative attractions. If you are truly incapable of curbing your
urges, then at least observe some decorum if you notice a slightly bewildered and
anxious looking gentleman and his bizarre spouse strolling through the village or
the surrounding lanes. It is no coincidence that Kingsley is in the middle of MoD
property, and those misguided persons thinking that they have something profound
or witty to shout at our visitors, might find themselves carrying round slightly
more lead than they began the day with.
The Cornwalls will be taking tea with me tomorrow. I can’t say that I am looking
forward to it. He has no conversation, and she has too much. Last time they called,
India were batting and I missed Dravid getting his century. Then the silly tart misheard
the reference to Ganguly, spat crumbs all over the carpet, and guffawed so loudly
that the Canada geese on my pond were startled and I had to pay £640 to have the
goosecrap scraped off of my roof.
Mark Gamon said...
Shouldn't that be 'scraped ORF of', Vicus?
Sunday, April 10, 2005 10:11:00 AM
Vicus Scurra said...
I don't think it is appropriate to mock these people, Mark.
Sunday, April 10, 2005 10:51:00 AM
How long do you think their marriage will last?
Sunday, April 10, 2005 8:47:00 PM
A motorhome Honeymoon, the epitomy of romance! I hope you've survived the festivities
with geese peacefully oblivious.
Monday, April 11, 2005 2:18:00 AM
caroline morphess said...
Vicus, the House of Grimaldi is in complete disarray and you're serving tea?